[inspirato.]

The sun was shining so brightly today, more than it has in what seems like days. It was one of those days that I normally wake up with much anticipation for what’s to come, but today was different. Today was different. Lately, I’ve been feeling so lost. I can’t quite touch the relation between the things that are occurring in my life and this feeling, but it leaves me so unsettled at night. Throughout the day I’m able to smile it all away, to pretend the girl I wish I was, is who truly exists in this shell. At night, when everything gets so quiet and sound, my mind awakens for so long, it’s hard to find any comfort in the roar of my fight to find myself. Today was a bad day. A bad day in so many ways, and maybe I should blame myself. I feel so close to breaking down, so close to giving up, so close. It’s almost as though the people in my life have lost as much faith in me as I have. Or maybe, they never had that faith to begin with. I did, didn’t I? There’s so many things that I want right now. There’s so much abnormality in my relationship too, which haunts me everyday. Perhaps this is his norm? It’s certainly not mine. Should I create a new norm? Is that even fair? I don’t know how to decide. Lost. Lost in so many thoughts, so many feelings.. so many questions. I ask myself if love is enough, if love is enough to continue this fight in order to find a new norm, a new standard, a new happy. It’s been so long since I’ve been truly happy. My ability to hide pain has become almost remarkable. There are days, if happens more often lately than ever before, that that pain shines through. The trouble feelings that attach themselves to every single one of my days somehow makes an appearance across my face, off my tongue. It’s almost impossible to keep up with anymore. My head. My heart. 

sunnysunny:

Russel Brand on Katy Perry.

 So sweet.

Yes, I dropped a Harry Potter reference in a blog title. Did I mention the date for the final film is getting closer? I honestly cannot wait, after years of reading the books, geeking out over paraphernalia, going to the movies to catch the premieres, buying the DVD’s, striking up conversations to convince people that the films, though featured wizardry, weren’t withcraftdevilworshippingtypeshiz, it’s sad to see it all end, but I’m still supa pumped to see it. I doubt it will disappoint, and I have a mayja crush on a certain actor in the movies [I wont name names…]. Either way..

I realized this past weekend how much I absolutely despise moving. I’ve lived in at least 4 places in the past year or so, and it’s just been stupid. I actually had forgotten about how many places I’ve lived the past year, until I was making a comment to my cutefacedpup about how we’d already been through this, piece of cake, piece of pie, and then it hit me.. and I realized yes, you’ve moved from one apartment, to another, to a house, to your parents house, to another apartment, and now here.. maybe it’s time to settle down a bit? Or stop being so indecisive? Or stop accepting employment in areas where it’s not so easy to find acceptable living arrangements? Probably. I still have it in my head and on my heart that this will be my last summer in the beautiful state of WV. It’s time for me to move on, I feel like I’m ready to start over, and I’ve had my eyes on a certain hotstuff city for so long now, and I feel like it’s time to finish this all up, and hit the road. I’m excited, it’ll be bittersweet, probably a little hard at first, but I’m not the kind of girl to turn my back on things I want to do and things I want to try, and this little dab of want will be no different. But, back to the topic at hand, moving was horrible! Not only was I still sick, it was stupid humid outside, the new place is up 3 flights of stairs, I had zero motivation to help any, and the apartment that I was sort of excited about, turned out to be a total buzzkill. Yep, basic drams on the homefront. Honestly, I was just excited to get out of my last apartment, due to some unmentionable situations, that I was up for anything I could get into ASAP. What I failed to realize was the slow and stupid and old plumbing, the ole “leave it up to the last tenant to actually clean the place before they leave” failing hard, the lack of central air [sidenote: yes, I’m THAT girl, I like modern day amenities and my last apartment was the only place I’ve ever lived without actual vents that blow cool air and keep the place at a normal temp in the summer, and I thought I was livin’ rough, the new place being 3 stories up = heat rises, bitches, and it’s HOT!] But, on the bright side, I’m not homeless. It’s an old place, so I’m kind of wanting to get some cutestuff vintage shiz and just play with it a bit, it’s not a permanent puttindowntheroots place to live, afterall, and the landlord is pretty nice, so I’ll deal. But that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to groan at 6am when the shower takes 15 minutes to heat up and every now and then it goes from comfy warm to scolding hot and stays that way while I complain to myself “its too early for this shiz!”. Moving right along..

Work so far this week? Yawn, Stress, Yawn, Freak-Out, Yawn, OMG! Yeah. In that order, too. With my boss resigning last week, me missing two days for being sick, and a pending vacation all of next week, it’s safe to stress my stressometer hit “holy shiz!” supa quick. I work well under pressure, but the fact that this time next week I’ll be sipping a cold drink, by the beach, wearing flip flops, reading trashy books, enjoying the gorgeous ocean breeze, being out of WV, etc etc etc [the good things won’t end on this list, honey], it’s so hard to concentrate. Can I get an Amen? When it’s legit like 3 days from your vacation and you’re trying to get a ton of work done before you leave? Concentration - 0 Daydreamin’ - 10. Basically.

On a side note, I’m totally looking forward to this entire summer. I’m kinda happy with my life these days, there’s good things happening, good things in the works, and I’m feelin’ like myself again. It doesn’t get much better than that. Not to mention, I have an adorable pup to spend my days with, and I’m so grateful for her, it’s stupid. And, I get to see my best friends, I get to get this whole “DEW” situation over with [in like a week-ish !!!!!], and I’m just looking forward to doing lots of fun things, lots of lazy things, lots of silly things, lots of good things. We’ll stay with beachin’ it up for a week, and we’ll go from there..

This is all I got, I guess since I packed up my entire office to finish this project that’s due by the end of the week [along with the 20 piles of paperwork and random nonsense that has to be finished before I leave Friday too], I should probably get to working on that.. while watching trashy HBO films, sippin’ Coke Zero, ignoring the unpacking I have to do, ignoring the packing I have to do, missing my cutestuff pup, and planning out my morning run.. Yeah, I’ll be finished in no time.

xx

Girl’s Best Friend. <3

11 BENEFITS OF WATER:

1. Lose weight: Drinking water helps you lose weight because it flushes down the by-products of fat breakdown. Drinking water reduces hunger, it’s an effective appetite suppressant so you’ll eat less. Plus, water has zero calories.
2. Natural Remedy for Headache: Helps to relieve headache and back pains due to dehydration. Although there are many other reasons that contribute to headache, dehydration is the common one.
3. Look Younger with Healthier Skin: You’ll look younger when your skin is properly hydrated. Water helps to replenish skin tissues, moisturizes skin and increases skin elasticity.
4. Better Productivity at Work: Your brain is mostly made up of water, thus drinking water helps you think better, be more alert and concentrate more.
5. Better Exercise: Drinking water regulates your body temperature. You’ll feel more energetic when doing exercises and water helps to fuel your muscles.
6. Helps in Digestion and Constipation: Drinking water raises your metabolism because it helps in digestion. Fiber and water go hand in hand so that you can have your daily bowel movement.
7. Less Cramps and Sprains: Proper hydration helps keep your joints and muscles lubricated, so you’ll less likely get cramps and sprains.
8. Less Likely to Get Sick and Feel Healthy: Drinking plenty of water helps fight against flu and other ailments like kidney stones, heart attack, arthritis, etc. Water added with lemon is used for ailments like respiratory disease, intestinal problems, rheumatism and arthritis etc. In other words, one of the benefits of drinking water can improve our immune system.
9. Relieves Fatigue: Water is used by the body to help flush out toxins and waste products from the body. If your body lacks water, your heart, for instance, needs to work harder to pump out the oxygenated blood to all cells. The rest of the vital organs have to work harder as well. Your organs will be exhausted and so will you.
10. Good Mood: Your body feels good and you will too.
11. Reduce the Risk of Cancer: Some studies show that drinking a healthy amount of water may reduce the risks of bladder cancer and colon cancer. Water dilutes the concentration of cancer-causing agents in the urine and shortens the time in which they are in contact with bladder lining.

**DRINK COLD WATER German researchers found that drinking 6 cups of cold water a day (that’s 48 ounces) can raise resting metabolism by about 50 calories daily—enough to shed 5 pounds in a year. The increase may come from the work it takes to heat the water to body temperature. Though the extra calories you burn drinking a single glass doesn’t amount to much, making it a habit can add up to pounds lost with essentially zero additional effort.

What if everything’s just the way that it will be?
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief?
My warship’s a-lying off the coast of your delicate heart,
And my aim is steady and true as it’s been right from the start.

There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall
Stare into the past, and forget it all…

Last night I attended an AA meeting.. my first ever. I didn’t do so as an addict seeking recovery, I did so as an observer for a class. I have to attend 6 meetings before I can complete the class. I was nervous in going to this meeting.. I’ve never known an actual addict, I’ve never really pondered what this experience was like, but the entire two hours left me feeling a hundred different types of emotions, and I couldn’t resist writing about it.

When I first pulled up, I saw a guy getting out of his car with his hands full of books, he looked at me, confused,  and said “I take it you’re lost?”.. I told him I was sitting in on the meeting for a class, he smiled slightly, and said “welcome, come on in”. The room where this meeting was held, was in the small town I grew up in, I recognized the smell of the old building, the creaking of the wooden floors. As I looked around, I remembered attending my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary in that very room, the memories rushed back and I smiled to myself. There was a small table in the center of the room, 4 people sitting around it, anxious, smiling, drinking coffee, and curious as to why a 23 year old girl like myself is joining them. A lady stands up and introduces herself, she’s hyper, she’s so polite and so accepting of anyone that it makes me take a step back. At this point I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed. I’m not an addict, I’ve never lived through these life tragedies.. doesn’t that make me unworthy of hearing this meeting? Doesn’t that somehow make me seem as if I’m boasting? I’m not sure, but I decide to stay anyways. I take a seat by the man who greeted me outside. He’s very comforting, for some reason. They begin the meeting explaining the steps of AA, explaining what they pledge to themselves and to each other. As soon as they’re finished the lady to my left announces that she’s an alcoholic. “Hi Candy!” comes from everyone in the room. She begins to explain her story, how she became an addict, how alcohol took over her life, how quickly, how easily, her downfall came. She tells her entire story with a smile, later as everyone else in the room tells their stories, she continues to smile through those too. I realize that she is not sorry for her journey, but instead, simply grateful to be recovering, is simply grateful to have a place like AA to keep her grounded. She explains that she is on her 6th husband, that she was a wealthy business woman who would go on vacation, get drunk, and remain that way for 5 years. She takes life with a smile. She takes her struggles and she sees the bright side of each. I envy this in her.

The next lady to speak is an older lady, she constantly coughs, and she looks exhausted. She announces that she is an alcoholic, and begins her story. She’s funny. She laughs through all of the ironies in her life. She calls herself “white trailer trash” and relives days of being in a drunken stupor, days when even brushing her teeth would make her vomit. She tells stories of her young, underage children driving her to the liquor store for another bottle, and of hitting her husband in the head with a scotch glass for running his mouth. She’s still laughing. She goes on to tell of her days in rehab. She goes on to tell of her divorce and remarrying a wonderful man. I suddenly notice she has a glow about her, a strength, this sense of certainty that she’ll always be able to overcome her battle. She coughs excessively from years of smoking cigarettes. She tells me she’s glad that I came, that it’s the place to come when you want to hear about the realities of alcohol and the harm it can do to everything around you, but moreso she’s glad I came to hear of people who can recover from the battle by not losing faith in God, by trusting their friends in AA, and by taking things one day at a time. She’s a warrior.. I envy this in her.

The next man to talk is sitting directly across from me. Throughout the meeting, I noticed him watching me. I’m sure he was examining my reaction to the stories, sure he was looking for something beyond the tears that remained faithfully on my eyelashes the entire meeting. Sure, he was waiting for me to judge them. He’s wearing tie-dye and overalls, but he’s so candid, his accent so new-york thick, it’s impossible for him not to demand the attention of the room. He tells his story, of his friends all being rich drunks, he tells his story of when he first got drunk and 16, and the day he quit 3 years ago. He skips over the dramatics of his story, and instead mentions he called an old friend of his from years ago, they had served in Korea together, spent months worth of paychecks on booze and drugs, and he hadn’t spoke to him since he had been sober. His friend was staying in a hotel room in NYC, a posh place, he mentions when he checked in there was complimentary bottles of champagne, scotch, and vodka. He asks his friend if he took the bottles, he explained he felt he ought to, but decided to leave it all there instead, he replies back to this old friend.. “you are a rich motherfucker, aren’t you?” He laughs.

There were many other stories from the evening, some more heartbreaking than others, each one leaving me on the brink of tears, each one so inspiring, so moving, that I didn’t regret my presence for a second. On the way home, I kept recalling the number of times I’d heard someone in the room explain that they didn’t have the guts to put the gun to their head, so they chose alcohol instead, that they didn’t want to live, didn’t feel worthy.. so they gave up their life to alcohol instead. I cried until I reached my driveway. I couldn’t believe so many people had been so low on life, so broken in faith, and somehow had managed to overcome it, somehow had managed to fight through all of it, and stand on the other side, smiling, laughing, and boasting at how wonderful life was for them, one day at a time. I’m moved. I’m inspired. I’m humbled. And I found one quality in all of the people in that room that I envied… strength that can overcome pure darkness.

I realized recently that I rarely write anymore. It used to be that not a day went by without me writing something. I guess I just got too busy, guess I lost that passion for it. My life is a road full of confusion these days. I can never figure out which direction that I wanna go, and which direction I’m meant to go, and how to distinguish the difference. Part of me is ready to move on, to pack my things, say goodbye to all that’s here, and follow my dreams. Another part of me feels that the timing isn’t right for that, that I still have ‘loose ends’ here that I need to take care of before I leave this place. I can’t even pinpoint my loose ends. I just feel them there, lurking behind some dark curtain, waiting for me to make a move and let them free. I feel like everything in my life is so temporary. That nothing that’s here will stay for long, and someday I’ll wake up and it’ll all be a memory, something that I guess I once had, something that might have made me happy for a moment, something that could never last. I guess maybe that’s how I’ve always lived my life — with one foot out the door, always looking for what was next, never living in the moment, but keeping my eyes forward to the future. This isn’t to say I’m unhappy, that I don’t appreciate what I do have, I just don’t have it all figured out, and it’s unsettling, unnerving, slightly sad. I thought that after saying goodbye to so many things a few months ago that it would all fall back into place, that it would all somehow make sense, that I could continue on the path I had planned out, and things would be perfect, I’d never go another day without feeling like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I guess I convinced myself of this.. it’s so easy to do. So easy to tell yourself that everything is so close to perfect it’s unreal, only to wake up one morning and wish you had something more, wish you felt something more, wish you had more courage to pack it all and leave, wish you had less of a heart for people you’d be leaving behind. I guess it’s not all as serious as it seems, I’ve never been one to feel alone, I’ve never been one to let my guard down, but suddenly it’s all too tiring, suddenly nothing is ever enough, suddenly I’m reaching out for much bigger things that when I have… suddenly, I’m spending time yearning for what’s to come… and for me, I suppose that is the road less traveled, forgotten dreams, settled emotions, and a handful of goodbyes to where I want to be.

Love.